Wednesday, March 19, 2008

Living Like I'm Pregnant

When we're trying to conceive or even just being open to life, there are two weeks of every month during which I could possibly be pregnant. Ovulation has passed and we can do nothing more to positively influence the outcome - it's all in God's hands. So we wait. And I live like I'm pregnant, just in case. No alcohol, limited caffeine, good nutrition and hydration. I avoid running and other strenuous exercise because I jogged the day before the miscarriage and there's a strong negative association in my mind. I don't want to take chances.

These sacrifices - or maybe I should consider them "special choices" - add up, but I can't really consider them a burden. Every denial of desire (and even my overall intentionality) has the potential to reduce my selfishness and orient me to God, whose blessing I desire more than all else (or should). The real challenge is with my mind. In constantly considering the possibility of pregnancy, I must also constantly fight the expectation of pregnancy.

David and I have often debated the meaning of "hope." In this case, my hope for a baby prompts me to make mental preparations just in case God gives us one. Because I've built up the possibility, when it doesn't come to fruition I find myself feeling disappointed. I have to dismantle the mental preparations that accompanied my precautionary choices - a labor without reward. David tells me I am expecting, not hoping. But where does the line fall?

I hope in God, that He will save my soul, forgive my sins, and resurrect me to spend eternity with him in Heaven. This hope is 99% sure of its outcome. Are there different kinds or degrees of hope?

Perhaps the difference lies with the subject of my hope: is it God, or is it me? Do I hope in the Creator, or in His creation? One never fails to provide what is truly good; the other often gets in the way.

"May your kindness, LORD, be upon us; we have put our hope in you."
Psalm 33:22 (from Monday's Mass readings)

Photo Credit: David (taken in Holy Trinity Church, Shreveport, LA)


*carrie* said...


A thought-provoking post. Makes me think of the defition of faith in Hebrews 11:1. "Faith is being sure of what we HOPE for and certain of what we do not see."

Anonymous said...

Your desire to begin a family is most admirable. I have no doubt that you and your husband will be parents. In the grand scheme of life, six months is but a short time. You are in a fun time in your marriage...although it is your desire to have children at this moment, let yourself enjoy being a newly wed couple, experiencing all the holidays and seasons etc for the first time as husband and wife as you can only enjoy this first year together once. When you look back in 30 years, you won't think "I am upset that we don't have a 28 year old child", you will say "I love all our children"...even if the oldest is only 26 or so. Focus your energies on the blessings of your husband, enjoying the sponteneity that your current life situation allows, and everything else will fall into place. God bless.

reprehriestless warillever said...

Beautiful post.

It is reassuring to know that there are couples out there who are so open to life that they sacrifice for even a potential life in the womb.

That being said, I agree with "anonymous;" use this time to build your relationship as a couple.

My only regret about our 5 childless married years is that I wasted so much of it worried and bitter about not having children.

Celebrate what God gives you when He gives it.